I wish it was easy.

I wish I could just forget you.
I waited for you for so long and nothing happened.
Now I've found Mr. Right and I'm so confused.
I miss you alot, and I think of you always.
Now you just waltz back into my life and want me?
What am I supposed to do?

Amused.

So before I get my clean on and clean Habib and Franklin's tank, I thought I'd give a quick update.

Things are going okay I guess. A little better than before. I've worked out that when I sleep, I must have my iPod in the docking station with music playing. It makes me think I'm not alone at night.

Today I'm off to the bank. Hopefully to get my loan that I've wanted for a long time! All I wanted was $4000, but they said the minimum was $5000. I need a car, and saving at the moment is getting me nowhere. I know if I get this, I'll have to pay back interest and all that crap, but I made myself a promise that I will not be moving back to Brisbane until I have paid it all off. I'll be sticking most of my weekly pay packet on it, so I should be all good :)

Amber is coming home for a day to see us all. It's a Saturday, so I'll be at work. Thank Jebus. The only reason she's coming is because mum was nice enough to buy her a Christmas present. That made me laugh.

Brad has OFFICIALLY left Warwick, although he still has to keep paying rent at his unit here until the lease is up. Oh well. He text me the other day saying that he has my school ID's. I didn't reply. I know he won't stop texting if I do.

The family is going good. Dad is better. He's pissing me off though. Last night I bought everyone pizza for dinner. He let me drive around to see the Christmas lights. If I do something wrong, he'll grab he wheel and just fucking yank it. It pisses me off so much. Last night I snapped. I turned the car off, slammed the door, and got in the passenger seat. I'm so over it. I need a proper person who has their open license to help me. Mum won't.

Scotti has been feeling down these past few days. I thought I would send him a nice little care package :) He loved it. I'm glad I could make him somewhat happy. Yesterday he found out that after about a month of being single, his girlfriend found a new boyfriend. I was like woahhh, she really got over him fast.

I think I might go clean the tank now. The day before yesterday, I accidently poured in half a container of fish food. TOTAL ACCIDENT. Haha, needless to say, they'll be right for the next month, but I can barely see them so I'm cleaning the tank.

Hope everyone is enjoying the nice hot weather! If I don't blog before Christmas, hope everyone has a lovely one! xo.

Sick of living.

So for about the past week or so, I have gone to bed listening to 'Can you feel the love tonight?' by Elton John, or 'Hero' from Enrique Iglesias. After I pick which ever one for that night, I put it on repeat and have a cry. It sounds so pathetic, but it just happens. I think about suicide alot these days. Wondering who would actually miss me if I was gone, where I would do it, ect. It's on my mind alot. I know I shouldn't be bitching and moaning about how shit my life is, because let's face it, there's so many people worse off than me. Life just sucks for me at the moment and I really wish it didn't.

On the family front, Amber finished school, and moved near the Sunshine Coast with the boyfriend. All I know is that's her plans for now. She came to say goodbye to mum and all of us about a week ago. The only thing she said to me was that I had lost weight and I looked funny. Ah, thanks.

Brad is still in Warwick. After all his guilt trips to me about moving to Brisbane where he'll have no-one, he's still here. I haven't heard from him since Thursday last week where he called me 40+ times in 20 minutes. I told him to back off otherwise I'd get a restraining order. (Not that I ever would because I think it's mean).

Dad admitted to me on the way home the other night that he's over everything. He told me that he didn't want to live anymore, and all this stuff about hating life. I couldn't believe it. It's dad. The one who always says to get on with life and all that. I can tell he hasn't been that happy, but I didn't know it was that bad. I'm not sure what to do, but I'll have to think of something. And before any of you tell me that he has to go see a counsellor or something like that, you're wasting your time. He won't. Which I don't think would help him anyway.

Work sucks still. I wish I knew what it was like to be appreciated. Kate (my boss for administration) just storms right up to me, no hello, and gives me a list of jobs that she should be doing for me to complete. I'm so over it. I get to work an hour and a bit early every day - WITHOUT PAY. I just wish I could get a simple thankyou.

The only nice thing that is going well in my life is the prospect of moving out mid next year with Sarah. I can't stand Warwick anymore. I feel closed in here and I'm not going anywhere. I want my P's and a cheapie car before I move down. Then I'll be able to come up and visit the fam on the weekends. Sarah and I also have to get furniture and crap like that, although I do have alot of housey things that Brad made me take back from his house.

Well that's my blunt and stupid update. I'm sorry to the people who read this if it comes out rude (especially to you Tara, because I blogged for you :D) but I'm just over everything right about now. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, where I want to go, who I'm going to be.

I've never felt so depressed in my life.

The Amber Shit.

Ok this is for you Tara, you curious thing you :P

SO. About a month ago, Amber had her stupid boyfriend here. I hate him so much, he's a total fuckwit. Whenever he comes over, he is never nice to anyone, and just expects my mum to do everything. He doesn't even say thankyou for having me when he leaves. That night Amber and I had some massive fight, which even came down to being physical. We ripped each others hair out, ect ect.

After that fight, a couple of days later, I was at Brad's. Mum called me crying, saying Amber had got in contact with our real dad. I walked all the way to mums from Brad's. Usually it takes me half an hour. I was there in 15 minutes. I was furious.

I got to mums and dad calmed me down. For all of you who don't know, my real dad was physically abusive to my mum, me, Amber and Skye when we were little. He was an alcoholic, and a fucking idiot. Mum has AVO's against him, court orders, the works. After mum divorced him, he used to send her letters saying he wanted to burn our house down when we were sleeping, and sent us poisionous snakes in the mail, and pathetic shit like that. She said IF we ever wanted to see him again, all we had to do was ask and she could do it safely, because mum has been trying to hide our address and stuff for a long time.

Anyway, when I talked to mum when I got home, she told me that Amber wrote her a letter saying that she cares more about Brad and I than her and Ben (the fuckwit), she hasn't paid her any attention since Kody was born, and doesn't talk to her anymore. That is a lie. All this time, Amber has been mums favourite. She really has. She spent a fortune on Amber for her formal, and if Amber didn't want to go to school, mum would always let her stay home and they'd go out to lunch together. In her letter she also said that she went to see Darryl (the real dad). I was like WTF, she knows where he lives?! I've never seen mum so upset. We only found out the other day that she had been seeing him since July. JULY. All those 'trips' to Brisbane were a lie. Her stupid fuckwits of friends and boyfriend made coverup stories for her while she was in NSW. I was so fucking angry, I rang Ben and absolutely abused him. I told him it was all his fault. I know I shouldn't of, but it made me feel a fuckload better. As far as I'm concerned Amber turned into the biggest bitch since meeting him.

So anywhoo, the next couple of weeks were hard. Mum was crying all the time, and Amber didn't want to be at home. I think mum feels more betrayal than anything, that Amber wasn't honest and used mum for everything, then just left. Brad offered to take her for a week, so she'd be out of the house and let mum calm down. Amber stayed at Brad's over a week, and was at times, really nice to me. I couldn't look her in the eye though. I was too angry still. How could she put us in danger like this? We found out on her Facebook mail that she told Darryl where dad and I work, where we live, where the girls go to school, ect ect. So he now knows we're in Warwick.

Dad took her phone off her, considering mum pays for it every month and she doesn't have a job. While dad was stalking it (AND YES WE FOUND SOME RAUNCHY TEXTS - GAG) there were all these texts from Darryl saying he'll get his 'bikey' gangs to come sort us out if we're giving her a hard time. I can't believe he's my real dad. I hate being related to that piece of scum. That's all he is.

So once Amber left Brad's, she went to Hayden's. He's her gay friend in Warwick. He's pretty annoying, and now picks on Skye at school. But yeah, that's all we know about where she is now. We don't know if she's ever going to come home. But we know that she will probably be moving down to NSW to be with him when school finishes. I just hope that if she does eventually come home, she's come home because she wants to, not because he's hurt her like I think he is going to.

Update.

Golly wizz, I haven't blogged in awhile. Dejan this post is just for you, considering you're the one who told me to do one.

Things haven't been going too well. Brad and I split almost two weeks ago. I was the one to call it. I can't stand the fighting anymore. It is too hard. He'll bring up something unnecessary that happened four months ago, and then shit hits the roof. I just couldn't take it anymore. When I told my pal Rhondie at work, she was so surprised. Her exact words were "I've never seen you two ever have a fight, or look like you'll break up". The thing is with Brad and our fights, they always happen when I stay at his or infront of my family. And it usually will happen at least three times a day. Sigh. Surprisingly I haven't had any headaches or chest pains for the past week! I think that tells me something.

I went down to Brisbane last weekend, and I had a blast. Sarah Smith really is my best friend. I love her to death. We hit the shops like crazy, and saw movies; did all those things that I've missed so much. It was great getting out of Warwick for the weekend. Bloody brilliant. I even saw Dejan and his little store. (HE LOOKED SO SEXY IN HIS WORK UNIFORM :P).

I can't wait to move back to Brisbane. Sarah and I are thinking about moving in with each other some time next year. Relatively close to the city, but we want our p's first. Speaking of p's, I heard that you have to have them before December 31st otherwise you have to do 200 hours or something. Fuck that shit! I'm booking two lessons a week till Christmas, then hopefully going to get my p's around then. Here's hoping. The thing that sucks is that mum only has an automatic car, and I want my manual license. So I'm thinking I just might get my automatic license then get manual later. I think that's a good plan given the circumstances.

I've also found a new friend. His name is Scotti, and he's really nice. His girlfriend broke up with him a couple of days after I did with Brad. He's copping it pretty tough. We talk on the phone nearly every night. It's nice to have someone who is sort of going through the same thing to talk to. It really is.

Nothing much else to report really. Kody is getting his top teeth, and boy can he bite hard! I've also lost 6kgs since the Brad thing. I just can't eat anymore, I feel like vomitting until about three in the afternoon. I don't know why. Also, Amber left the family, but that story is totalllllllllyyyyyyyyyy for another time.

Hope everyone is doing well.

x

I'm a stupid fuck.

So I'm sitting on a bathroom stool, locked in the bathroom on a Saturday night. God, my life just keeps getting better.

Brad's staying tonight. I thought I'd talk to him about moving back to Brisbane and he took it the wrong way. I understand where he's coming from in some things, but it's like he's holding me back.

I can't stand Warwick. I officially think I'm at breaking point right about now. I had two cranky customers today, and it's been the worst working Saturday of my life. Thanks to these two Warwick idiots, I may be counceled on Tuesday. It's really the last thing I need right now. Just when I think nothing can get any worse. The worst thing about it, is that I can't talk about it to anyone. You can't talk to anyone at work about it, because they probably have other things on their mind/there's always that chance that they're related to the person, and Brad thinks I'm the one in the wrong.

I miss Brisbane, and I miss my friends.

Sad.

I'm at a loss.
I have no idea what to do anymore, what I'm doing with my life, what I'm going to be.

Brad tried killing himself the other night. Slit his wrists. There was blood everywhere. I blame myself. I'm still shocked that I came a smidget from losing him. It was pretty intense. He says he's depressed because his family doesn't talk to him anymore, or make an effort to come to Warwick for a quick visit. He's also fighting with his best friend, and he's upset that he hasn't made any close friends in Warwick, and that I talk to my guy work friends at work (or any guy really). I feel so guilty all of the time, it's my fault he moved up to Warwick away from his family and all his friends. It's my fault I have guy friends. It's all my fault why he tried killing himself.

He finally got a job at the Big W Distribution Centre here in Warwick, but now doesn't go because he's depressed. He went and saw the hospital yesterday and he has a month off working. Hopefully this will do him some good.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel this strain on our relationship. Sometimes I don't acknowledge my guy work friends to save Brad from getting upset. I feel so argh.